2025 reflections - personal and creative

throughout these past few years, I've had a lot of big years in my life. at the start of 2022 I left the US to live with my partner in latin america, and at the start of 2023 I decided I'd begin aiming to make commercial indie games again. in late 2023, we moved countries again, and in 2024 I began my work in earnest in developing new skills in game creation. I learned godot, improved my art and made an rpg maker game for my partner for christmas. I also started this blog, with a post about the games I played in 2024!

in 2025, I felt ready to take a further dive. I made writing this blog a high priority, using it to develop my creative ideas. I felt doing that would help me the most in making the best things I can make. I made some smaller projects in order to refresh my sense of what a full production cycle feels like, something that would help me conceptualize any later big projects with proper scoping and smartly placed effort. I launched my Patreon, released two games and migrated my blog to a neocities, using Strawberry Starter.

for the most part, I'm happy with how things have went and I feel like I'm on the right track. however, a lot went wrong too. in february we adopted a kitten, who unknown to us at the time was quite sick. on top of it, we had an accident where I wound up breaking her hip bone. she healed quickly, but at the same time her eye kept getting worse, eventually leading to us removing it a couple months ago when it became clear there was no hope in saving it. this was all quite personally taxing to me, physically and emotionally. it was hard for me to forgive myself and not blame myself more, to the point where I began to neglect care for myself in order to make sure she was okay however I could. (I tend to have few spoons, so it didn't take all too much to reach that point.)

if that was it, that might have been okay. even that alone did take away a lot of energy I could have placed into myself, my partner or my work, but there was more. in our previous move between countries, we met friction at every step. even at the beginning we quickly began to regret our decision each day, but we resisted that feeling and tried to make it work. we told ourselves it would be okay or just needed a chance, but that time never came. it became an environment that only took from us.

in 2024, most of my (and my partner's) energy was sunk into the traumatizing experience of getting us established. in 2025, along with the kitten, it only kept continuing. it reached such a point where me and my partner couldn't continue to justify the "sunk cost fallacy" of our situation, and decided to move to Europe. it took a lot of work, we basically reversed the whole process of establishing ourselves there, and we had to make sure the kitten would be ready to travel. we went through the process again of gathering all our paperwork and emotionally preparing for another big and risky change.

luckily, we were able to make a "scouting" trip in order to get a sense of where we were going and where we might want to live. thanks to that we were able to feel much more confident in our decision to go. where we lived, the environment felt hostile and austere to us, like each day we were rotting. it felt sisyphean, to try again and again to make something good out of something which couldn't be.

being here (we arrived two days ago as of writing) feels like the opposite in every way. here I feel like I belong and am welcomed. I feel cared for, safe and content. it's an environment that inspires me and fills me with energy to love and create. as a celiac person, there's actually food I can eat everywhere, and it's good! there's so many things. there's so many things, and it still doesn't feel like I can have it. after all we've been through especially, something nice almost feels too good to be true. I've been so afraid something in the paperwork won't work out, or we won't be able to find an apartment, or anything I can imagine that would justify my fear.

but in reality, the likelihood is that, yes, I can have something nice. it was only a matter of (in addition to the relative bureaucratic & financial privilege we have, of course) finding it, believing in it and going for it. I think we didn't move to europe to begin with because of that very feeling--"how could that be possible?" but what I've learned is that, much like in relationships, if I don't "ask" for what I want and show up for it, I'll never have it. it turned out, in the very same way I've been honing my creative ideals, I've had to do the same work in deciding the kind of life I'm content to live. I turned 31 this year, and at this age those things are seeming more and more crucial. it's become clear that the choices I make every day, big and small, are what I'm going to live with for the rest of my life.

in the end, I won't be able to create everything either. I have to choose what it is I can make that, (hopefully) by the time I'm 70 I won't look back and think I could have chosen something better, that I would have loved more. it's an intense question, and not something I think anyone can figure out at once, but if I at least embrace that process I can get there gradually.

on a personal level, I've been looking at everything I want in the sense of "how do I get there, and what will it cost?", like the pragmatic lens of a producer. in the same way it won't fulfill me to keep abandoning projects because they are overscoped or don't speak to my heart, it won't fulfill me either to keep half-starting new routines or learning new skills halfway and deciding I'll try again later. "later" has become now, because I want to look back and feel like I lived my life to the fullest, and gave it my all in creating things I believe in. it's okay if I change my mind along the way, because at least that experience will have taught me what I care for.

by seemingly total chance, this year I made a surprise connection with a fellow game developer who shares similar dreams and ideals as me. much like in writing our blog, our long conversations have helped me discover for myself the things which matter to me the most. even for this alone I've been immensely grateful, but if we happen to collaborate in the future (like I currently hope to), I have no doubt it will become something I'll be able to look back on proudly.

this year, through the SMPS community, I also became dear friends with Chris, Alix and Wooper, more kindred spirits who are among the most genuine and loving people I've ever met. I was able to get through the challenges of this year in large part thanks to their companionship and emotional support. and much like the colleague above, knowing them has taught me so much about myself and what I care the most about, and I hope in the future I'll be able to give back to them even an ounce of what they've given to me.

in this sense, this year I've realized in the full significance of "no man is an island." my environment didn't work well for me and I was highly dysfunctional. by meeting this colleague and spending time in the SMPS community I could forge precious relationships that would teach me about myself and help me create. my precious, fragile little kitten is now exuberantly healthy and the most energetic and loving little monster I've ever seen, and she's here thanks to the care I and her doctors have given her. in the same way, I've survived because my partner is there to love and support me. I always thought "as humans, we all owe everything to one another", but now I feel it in the core of my being.

I want to make games. art is one of the things in life that inspires me to live every day, and (if I had to name one) games are my favorite form of art. I believe art has the power to save people, just like it has saved me. it's not the only important thing in this world of ours, but it does a quiet sort of work in our hearts that little else can. after these 31 years of my life, I know now that's the kind of work I'm best suited for. I want to use my life to support others, even if it winds up not being through making games, or even art. I don't know how many paths are available to me there yet. I think creating works of art that save people is one of them, but I also don't want that to be it. going into the new year, I want this to be something I'm open to, to try various things and see what works for me.

more than anything then, 2025 to me was a year for creating and strengthening bonds. I made so many precious new friends and adopted a dear kitten. me and my partner are happier together than ever. and in the same way, I have deepened my bond with myself, helping me choose the paths for me in life that will serve me the best.

to anyone reading this, if we've interacted to any extent this year, I want to say thank you. it's because of all of you that I'm here and that I'm the person I am today. even if we've just exchanged a kind hello, that's a connection that's made both of our days just a bit brighter. if there's any way I want to live my life, it's to touch all of your lives to the extent you've touched mine.

there's that saying by sartre that "hell is other people," of the inevitability of conflict and misunderstanding among people that, ironically, forms the core of what we share as individual beings. we simultaneously need each other and make each other suffer--friends that care for us or environments that bring us down. the reality to me is that conflict and suffering may not be avoidable in life, but with careful work and patience, we can still make things better for each other. even if (or especially if) it'll never be perfect. notions of perfection themselves (like how me and my partner idealized our life in our previous move) can lead us to see life dualistically--as either something ideal or hellish. but even outside that dynamic, we can still create paths for ourselves and each other that are more desirable, if imperfect. that's my lesson from 2025, as much as I'm still processing it myself.