I want to be everybody's girlfriend

I just found out that the relationship of 4 years I put all (and more) of my heart, body and soul into wasn't what I thought it was. The love I dedicated myself to giving was confirmed to always have been one-sided. I accepted everything, more compromise and pain and heartache and loneliness than anyone ought to, and I never regretted it for a second because I did it out of love. I would do it all again for love too.

As giving of a person as I seem to be, I don't see love as giving per-se. It feels to me more like a state, but not just an emotional state. To me it feels like, while the emotions and the giving arise from it, the core of love is the wish to harmonize together with one another. A tiny dream to sing a tune that grows louder, more beautiful and unique than we could sing alone. Our existences no longer become separate but intertwined, so we care for each other like we would ourself. We feel these amazing sensations we never could on our own.

I think love might not be as simple as romantic, platonic or familial to me. Because the song you sing with another person will always be unique. Society frames love in these rigid shapes that are more historically based on property and labor than love first and foremost.

I want to be free of all of that. I want to live for love without any compromise. I want to embrace love whenever and whenever I see it and sing a chorus with life itself. I want to add as much love to this world as I possibly can because at least to me, nothing is more fundamental and sorely needed than that. I want to breathe love everywhere I go, and make everything I touch warmer in a way that is real. I've always had some version of this feeling in my heart, but until now it always felt too out there or like I could never live up to it... I want to be everybody's girlfriend!

It's clear to me now nothing else matters to me in life but bringing this warmth into the world and, hopefully, having it for myself all the same. Without even realizing it... Over the past year I made connections with people who truly love me and I truly love, just through staying committed as much as I can to putting out into the world what I believe in. If I can keep on that path... I think having a life I feel truly alive in isn't as far from my reach as I may have thought.

If you're reading this and you need someone to tell you they love you, I want to tell you that I love you with all of my heart. And that I really mean it. Thank you so much for being here, I love everything you do and I want to see you keep shining your own unique self into this world.

If I gave this love to everyone it would still only feel like a fraction of what my friends have given to me recently. I don't think this is anywhere near the end of my journey, I know I still have so much to learn about what it means to open myself and be there for others. Everyone needs different things, in ways that are sometimes harder to understand, or that I may not even be able to give. And sometimes my own pain interferes with me being able to be the person I want to. But at least now I have a resolve that feels clearer than anything I've ever felt before.

What kind of art do I want to make is always one of my biggest questions... But after all this, I think the answer has become surprisingly simple to me. I want to make art about love, in all its shapes and beauty, about the ways it is easy and the ways it is hard, and about all the ways to me in which it is the most important thing in the world.

It's the kind of art I've always been the most afraid to make, because it requires baring my soul to the world. But... I think that's what people need. Writing this blog itself has taught me what I have to give people, being vulnerable here has touched and inspired some of those dearest to me. It's scary, but, if I can make art like that too... I think I would be proud of that. Plus, it's not as scary if I'm already everybody's girlfriend.